Confession: Military Life is Frustrating and I Take It Out On My Husband
We’re in a series called Confessions.
Real life milspouse confessions have been submitted and, while keeping people anonymous, we are learning from each circumstance. If we don’t start bringing some of these issues to light, our community will continue to struggle. So let’s keep the conversation going!
The first confession in the series was “military life isn’t what I expected.” I know I’ve felt this way dozens of times throughout my husband’s career. I shared a little of my own experience and then ended with a few practical steps to take if you are feeling this way. If you missed it, I encourage you to check it out or pin it for later.
Our Next Confession
This week we are talking about those moments when we take military life frustrations out on our husbands. We know this isn’t healthy, but we can’t always help it. The military doesn’t make life easier the majority of the time and it is natural to want to blame our husbands or take our anger out on them. We could end the blog post here by saying, “try better next time,” but I think there’s another issue below the surface that I’d like to uncover.
We can become easily frustrated when we don’t know all the facts, right? This isn’t only true of military situations, but for life.
A toddler can rage out because you told her she wasn’t allowed to have a lollipop before bed. She gets frustrated thinking you are being mean when in reality you are setting her up with healthy habits, protecting her teeth from cavities, and selfishly wanting an easier bedtime without a sugar rush. She doesn’t see the whole picture, so she is easily frustrated.
For over a month we have been anticipating new orders. Several options have been taken off our list and we still don’t know if we will be moving next year or not. It has been so easy to become frustrated during the days and weeks when we don’t hear anything. We only see one piece of the puzzle and sometimes it is easy to forget there are hundreds of other families in the same waiting game. Their puzzle piece must find it’s spot, as does ours, and so on until the image is satisfactory to the Navy. This takes time and so much of it is out of our control, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating.
We can lessen our frustration by committing to learn more.
Committing to Learn More
As military wives, we need to take time to learn about military life. Just as a toddler will eventually learn lollipops aren’t for bedtime, we must give ourselves time and grace as we uncover more and more about military life. We must commit to learn about his day, his rate, his rank, his position, his lunch meeting, his deployment, his physical training (PT), and so on. It not only shows how much we care and our dedication to supporting him, but it will eliminate some of our frustrations.
Yes, there is a lot to learn about the military and the branch your husband is serving in. It’s hard work to create enough brain space for acronyms to live. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do need an answer when someone asks you what your husband does for a living. You need a basic understanding of his rhythms in his job. You need to invest time into learning about new jobs, PCS cycles, and deployment rotations. So much of my frustration comes from misunderstanding why the military does certain things the way they do. Some things are ridiculous and will never change, but we can be better about the majority of what we go through in this lifestyle.
If you commit to learn more about what he does and the way the military works, those frustrating moments will become more manageable. I can confess to taking my frustrations of military life out on my husband more than I should. I know it isn’t healthy and he doesn’t deserve to be blamed, but he is an easy target. I find I do this most when I don’t fully understand the details of the circumstance.
We, as wives, will never be able to fully comprehend his job description or the military as a whole because there are too many moving parts, but we can give it our best shot.
When beginning to ask questions or learn more about your husband’s role, start with this list.
Learn:
His MOS/rate/rank and when he’s up for reenlistment/promotion
How his branch is organized and structured
His chain of command
His job description
As many acronyms (applicable to his job) as possible
What a typical day looks like for him
This is by no means an exhaustive list of everything you need to learn about the military, that isn’t the point. This list is about learning the things that matter to your husband. Remember, we are focused on lessening our frustrations and not taking them out on our husbands.
Navigating Frustrations
If you feel confident enough about your understanding of his job and/or the military, let’s move into what you can do when the inevitable frustrations arise. First, take a deep breath and try to keep a healthy perspective on the situation. Instead of immediately taking it out on your husband, take your feelings to the Lord. He is a big God and can handle big emotions. Next, call a trusted mentor or friend, preferably another military wife who has maybe gone through something similar before. Sharing knowledge and experiences can be a great comfort. Finally, share your feelings with your husband, but in a controlled and gentle way. Absolutely tell him how you are feeling, but do so without passing blame. Ask him how he is feeling and you may find you share some of your emotions.
I’m cheering you on as you walk your milspouse journey.
Have you ever noticed there seems to be one particularly hard hour in your day? Maybe it’s the first hour of the day as you are getting ready for work. Maybe it’s the dinner hour when kids are the crankiest? Whatever hour it is for you, I’d like to help you through it. Grab this free audio series to help!