permission to have fun when he is gone

Last week we went to the beach. In the middle of the week. While my husband was working.

Maybe this sounds normal for your crew. It’s becoming normal for us, too.

Becoming. As in, “the process of coming to be something.”

Afraid to Make Memories

Not too long ago, I was afraid of making memories without our whole family together.

As I thought back to what started this habit, I landed on our most recent season of back-to-back deployments.

When you go through a season of deployments, each day is spent making memories without your husband. There’s no one else to help you with school drop-off and pick-up. You handle Easter and Christmas on your own. You plan and throw birthday parties all by yourself. You learn life has to go on when he’s gone.

In these seasons, we settle for videos and pictures to share special moments and memories.

Eventually deployments end and when he returns, everything feels big. You feel like you must do everything as a complete family.

After being separated for so long, your soul craves togetherness. The beginnings of fear settle within because we want to savor every moment we have together as a family, as a couple.

This is all normal. Whether we’ve spent time reflecting on this, or we are just now realizing how natural these rhythms are to military life, it’s normal.

There is no right or wrong on either side of this line, but I recently needed a reminder. It’s okay to make memories whether my husband is there or not.

If you need permission, I’ll sign your slip.

Action Plan

But what if he feels left out?

What if he was looking forward to doing that one thing together?

Valid questions.

When we start talking about life going on when our husbands are gone, we have to chat about a few things before we go all care-free and start booking week-long vacations.

The most important thing to remember is communication must still take priority.

You won’t know if you don’t ask.

—> Ask your husband if he minds missing out on a few hours at the beach.

—> Ask your husband how it makes him feel when you make memories without him.

—> Ask your husband what’s important to him.

Don’t confuse this with asking permission, no, but be open and honest about including him.

This will mean agreeing on certain things. This will also mean compromising on others. Until you have open communication, you may be believing lies about how you think he feels. 

Maybe he’s more than okay missing out on a morning at the splash pad with the kids. But maybe he really wants to be with you when you eat at the new restaurant in town.

You won’t know if you don’t ask.

Be open and honest about big moments, small activities, and everything in between.

Agree, compromise, and then have fun!

PS take as many pictures as you can! Not just for him, but because some day your older self will wish you had more photos.