Your Husband is Not Your Enemy

I woke suddenly as I glanced at the clock on my dresser. It was 1:19am and my heart was racing. I don’t remember dreaming anything specific but at that moment I was infuriated at my husband. Absolutely shaking with rage toward the man I love at 1:19am while he was sleeping soundly beside me.

Sure, we had recently PCSed and were adjusting to life at a new duty station, but there wasn’t one specific thing I could name which would explain this intense anger in the middle of the night.

I spent the next two hours making lists in my head of all the reasons it was his fault I was feeling frustrated, angry, tense, alone, and without purpose. I let my resentment toward him turn to bitterness and blame. I cried into my pillow wondering how we got here. I let every thought go way past the point of reality and soon enough convinced myself we would need to start counseling immediately the very next day to dig ourselves out of this place.

Eventually I fell back asleep and woke the next morning confused. I asked myself what in the world happened last night? I couldn’t exactly pinpoint the origin of my rage, but was I still mad at him for something? I wasn’t sure. I said a quick prayer and asked God for help but didn’t expect too much in return. Immediately I heard the words He is not your enemy. You’re on the same team.

Maybe you haven’t spiraled at 1:19am like me, but I’m confident you’ve been through moments when you and your husband felt like you were working against each other rather than with each other. Maybe you’ve shouted at each other one too many times this week and it not only feels like you’re on different teams but playing different sports entirely. Maybe everything seems fine on the outside, but the scenarios in your head are leading you to believe he is your enemy. Here’s your reminder that when you entered into your marriage covenant you became united.

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”
Genesis 2:24 NLT (emphasis added)

Whether what happened to me in the middle of the night was a spiritual attack or the emotional end of my short post-pcs fuse, I was sure of one thing — I needed to shift my mindset and gain perspective. When I had the chance to bring my thoughts into the light of day, I knew I had a whole lot of things I needed to process, but I was certain almost none of them were rooted in some sort of power play in our marriage.

Blame

Over the years, I’ve learned how easy it is to fall into the wrong mindset within my military marriage. When the military is calling the shots and our family has to do something we don’t necessarily want to do, it’s easy to pass the blame to my husband. It’s easy to let disconnect set in, but the reminder of a united marriage is vital. It’s unbelievably important for us to remember how we are on the same team. And it’s the same for you and your husband.

In these moments or seasons it’s important to explore some of the frustrations surfacing. Like I said, I knew there were some things brewing within my own life, but I had to take time to discern and name them with wisdom instead of immediately pinning them on my husband. When this is happening, I find it helpful to ask questions like:

Am I mad at my husband? Or am I mad at the military?

Is my anger pointed toward God?

Am I mad at myself but taking it out on those around me?

What feelings are surfacing? Can I name them?

Where is the origin?

Because of our recent move I most likely needed to process seven different things in 18 different ways but because I wasn’t taking time to pause, each frustration was building and pointing itself toward the one person closest to me: my husband. Sure, there were probably small things I could nit-pick about, but when I dug deeper I found he wasn’t to blame. I found I was still mad at God for a whole slew of decisions I had yet to understand.

In this particular instance I needed to find a way to untangle the wires on this ticking bomb and diffuse it before time ran out and things exploded within our marriage. Practically speaking, I turned to the Lord over and over again, repeatedly asking him to help us. I also opened up to a trusted friend and she encouraged me as we talked through my mindset of blaming my husband. I was completely honest with my husband, admitting I had been viewing him as my enemy for a short while and asking him to forgive my actions.

The reminders I kept close throughout this time were:

You’re on the same team as your husband.
There is an enemy, but it isn’t your husband.
You are united with him.
You can take time to name your frustrations without blaming him for how you’re processing your current season of life.

Eventually I traversed my way through and shifted my mindset. I had new tools, a biblical truth to stand on, and encouragement from a close friend to see me through. But it took mental toughness and endurance. The temptation was to keep blaming him and viewing him as my enemy. I didn’t gain clarity flawlessly or immediately, but through repeated reminders I was able to pull through a short season and view my husband as my teammate again. Praise God!

Have you been or are you now in a similar situation? I hope and pray this post and my experience is an encouragement to you.