5 Things Your Military Husband Wants You to Know (but may not know how to tell you)

We’ve been serving these United States of America as a Navy family for over eleven years. My husband, Mike, was getting ready for work one morning and I casually asked him, “what are some things you want me, as a military wife, to know, but you might not think to say?”

His answers surprised me in how direct they were. His answers also surprised me in how thoughtful they were. 

Because he is a man of very few words, here are (with my help) five things your military husband wants you to know.

1. Things will change

I remember naively entering into military wife life thinking this was going to be a wild adventure. Very quickly, I learned how everything can change and will change at any given moment. An adventure? Yes, but a poorly communicated, constantly shifting adventure. 

Schedules will change. Deployments will change. Locations will change. Routines will change. Family dynamics will change. Orders will change. Dates will change. Everything has the potential to change.

Your husband understands this better than anyone, but he may not be able to express it to you. In fact, things change daily for him and you may never know about those tiny shifts. He may even be so used to the minute changes in his day, that he doesn’t even recognize them anymore. Change becomes a way of life for him and we don’t always see the whole picture. Simply naming the existence of change in our lives gives us the freedom to be more flexible when change arrives.

Your husband wants you to understand that because you said yes to him, you said yes to the military, and you said yes to change. And it doesn’t have to be scary or intimidating, but it does need to be acknowledged as a part of this lifestyle. Pointing fingers and assigning blame is tiresome and useless. Things will change, and you will come out the other side stronger.

2. You have a say 

I have a sign hanging in my home that says “home is where the Navy sends us.” If you don’t have this particular sign in your home I’m sure you have heard some version of this line before. We feel as though we are ruled by some higher person in our military branch telling us where to go and what to do. We feel as though we are at their mercy at any given moment.

And sometimes this is true. But your husband also wants you to know that you have a say. He wants you to be a part of the conversation. He values your understanding of his career and what is best for the family. He wants you to have a seat at the table when his next set of orders are being discussed. He wants you to understand that even though you might not get what you want, you still have a say. And having your voice present in the conversation is worth something to him.

3. Sometimes you won’t win

I hate to put this in terms of winning and losing, but understand, military life isn’t always black and white, winning and losing. Your husband wants you to understand how there are competing priorities each time a decision must be made throughout his career. Yes, you have a place in the conversation. You have a say. But, sometimes you won’t win. Sometimes, the needs of the military are greater than the needs of your family in that season. Ultimately, he serves this nation, not just the men and women in his command leadership positions. 

Each time my husband enters into a conversation about his next set of orders, I get antsy. Yes, I start looking at jobs based on location. He starts looking at jobs based on how cool the assignment would be. But the military looks at him through a lens much different than either of these. Sometimes we don’t win.

Sometimes we have to let him serve far from home. Sometimes we get sent to the smallest base in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes we have to set our own desires aside.

Your husband wants you to know that he will try as hard as he can to make this life great for you, your kids, and his career, but sometimes that means you won’t win.

4. You are seen (and appreciated)

Our husbands might not say it as often as we would like, or maybe not in the right way, or the right tone, but they really do appreciate everything we do. Your husband sees your hard work (maybe not that you dusted the baseboards, but we’ll let them off the hook for that one.) Your husband appreciates you because without you he couldn’t and wouldn’t be the man the military demands him to be. Your husband is proud of your hard work and dedication. Your husband thinks you are the strongest woman he knows, because you are. You are strong and appreciated and seen and valued.

Your husband can’t do his job well without you. This nation needs him at his best and you are a giant percentage of that equation.

5. Thank you

So. Much. Gratitude. 

Sometimes we are all guilty of taking others for granted. Your husband wants you to know he is grateful. Even if he doesn’t say the words with his out loud voice, he thanks you for sharing him with our nation. He thanks you for being strong when you feel weak. He thanks you for sticking it out. He thanks you for supporting and serving him when you don’t want to. He thanks you for your honesty. He thanks you for your love.

I’m cheering you on, sister. For more help finding your place as a military wife, click here.