What To Do When You Hate Your New Duty Station
Here you are again — new place, new people, new feelings about said place and people. Maybe even hating the change.
We, as military wives, often find ourselves feeling these feelings after a PCS (permanent change of station) but not always. We also feel this way when we are the ones left behind and everything we thought we were comfortable with changes. We can feel this way 6 months into a new duty station when the newness wears off and we all of a sudden hate where we are.
Military life offers us countless chances to dislike circumstances. Knowing this reality doesn’t make it a pill any easier to swallow. So, what can we do when we find ourselves hating our new duty station (or our same duty station in a different season of life)?
You might think the first step is partnered with busyness, but let’s pump the brakes a bit. Maybe you are a jump in with two feet woman, but if you aren’t, that is okay! My friend and mentor Emily P. Freeman says, “Your pace is your pace. There is no such thing as behind.” Before we start trying to fill the void with a full calendar, let’s remove the pressure and understand we can take this process as fast or slow as we need!
And that leads me to the first thing we need to do more intentionally during and after every move/change — take time to grieve. It may sound silly, but your soul will thank you. The military asks us to move quickly through seasons and changes, but sometimes our souls can’t keep up. Take time to grieve your old duty station.
Ask yourself and reflect on some or all of the following questions as you think through your old duty station.
What do you miss?
What made it special?
Who do you miss?
Why do you miss those things?
Name the emotions you are feeling.
If this process takes hours, great. If it takes weeks, great. There is no time limit, but know you can grieve your old duty station while you are making new connections and getting excited about your new home as well. You may find overlap and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
Take some time and think through or write down how you feel about your new duty station.
What are you excited about?
What were you glad to leave behind?
Name your emotions and feelings as you think about moving forward.
Reflection and grief are needed. They create space for our souls to breathe.
Naming your emotions as you transition is important. Our emotions aren’t bad and we don’t have to feel shameful about what we are feeling. However, we cannot let our emotions control us. We still have families to care for and husbands to support, and our jobs are never finished. But in order to do that job well, we must be well.
Once you have done (or at least started) the necessary soul work, it’s time to take action. I said before, getting plugged in wasn’t our first step, but I never said it wouldn’t be a step at all.
If you find yourself mostly missing the people of your old duty station, you must do the hard work of finding new people in your new place. Is it realistic to find best friends at every new duty station? No, but you can still get plugged in. Will every new state and city be full of bliss and joyful memories? No, but we can’t not try.
Yes, it is exhausting. It feels like failure sometimes. It isn’t always guaranteed to work, but getting plugged in will make your new duty station feel a little more like home. Here’s my go to list of places I start looking for friends after each move.
Church
Bible studies
Mom’s groups (MOPS is great if you have little ones)
Base/Post Spouse Groups (check FB for your local spouse page)
Community sports leagues (soccer, running, etc.)
Base/Post volunteer opportunities
You never know where you will find your people, so don’t stop searching. We are meant to be in community with others. Hating your new duty station is normal and it’s okay to not love every place you live. People will tell you it is what you make of it, and they aren’t wrong. But, there are steps we can take along the way to help our hearts transition well.
