resolving conflict
I watched my seven year old daughter cross her arms, turn on her heel, and tuck her head into her chest as she stomped out of the kitchen. She asked for a piece of candy at 7am and girlfriend did not agree with my response. Ha!
Whether her reaction was learned or crafted in her DNA long ago, I realized at 32 years of age, I sometimes do the same things when I meet resistance.
Did I act this way when my husband and I didn’t agree on which house to buy during our last PCS move? Absolutely. Real mature, I know.
Hopefully you have a tighter hold on your childish tendencies, but in case you are anything like me, I’d love to share a few things about resolving conflict within your military marriage. I learned these nuggets at a marriage conference years ago. Keep them in your toolkit!
Here are
Five Steps to Resolving Conflict
(without stomping, eye rolling, or the use of the silent treatment)
Step 1: Resolving Conflict Requires Kicking Selfishness to the Curb
A healthy marriage means making selflessness your new normal. When you and your husband get into an argument, you may be able to look at the root of the issue and see selfishness. It’s hard to serve him without expecting anything in return. It’s hard to let go of wanting to be first. It’s hard. Jesus models each of these things perfectly in the New Testament and when we find ourselves struggling with selfishness we can ask Him for help. The next time you and your husband are in the middle of a conflict, offer up a prayer and ask Jesus to help you set your selfish desires aside.
Step 2: Resolving Conflict Requires Pursuing Your Husband
I’ll raise the white flag on this one. I have a hard time not turning away or inward in the middle of a conflict. I’d rather wait it out in silence until he makes the first move. (I wonder where my daughter gets it from.) Try putting on your big girl pants and tackling the conflict head on instead of playing the silent game. Humble yourself and make the first move toward peace in your marriage.
Step 3: Resolving Conflict Requires Loving Confrontation
I don’t mean loving screaming harsh words at your husband from across the kitchen. No. I mean loving getting uncomfortable so that you can help bring healing and love to the situation. We can read in Ephesians 4:31-32 that “all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander must be removed from you, along with malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” Friend, be encouraged. This takes practice! Ask yourself if your words and tone are bringing healing or isolation. Learning to confront your husband with grace will take wisdom, humility and a truck load of patience.
Step 4: Resolving Conflict Requires Forgiveness
Ouch. But really, did you not see this one coming? Even if you did, it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. The only way to truly heal from disappointment, pain and hurt is through forgiveness. Sister, this takes time and sometimes it is okay for some bigger issues to take a while to work through and truly heal from. But the goal is to ask and grant forgiveness quickly.
Step 5: Seeing God’s Purpose in Our Conflicts
What a perspective shift! Can you view your conflicts with a new lens? What if each conflict you endure is there to build your trust and faith. What if each conflict you endure is an opportunity to give Jesus glory? The Lord wants to continue to mold and form you. Each conflict comes with the invitation to produce endurance, have your faith tested and ultimately glorify His name.
Will we get this right every time we meet friction in our marriage? Nope!
Give grace, not only to yourself, but to your husband. Make mental notes of the steps you need to work on the most and practice!
Lord, thank you for the gift of marriage. Be with us as we learn to resolve conflict with humility and grace. We love you, Lord. Amen.