take time to listen
Can we talk about the one conversation that drives me insane before it even happens? You know exactly which one I’m talking about.
It’s the witching hour and the hubs walks through the front door after a very long day on base. He drops his backpack, steps gently around the mess in the living room and I hear, “Hey babe. How was your day?”
In my mind I unload the entire day step-by-step, but instead surrender the quiet words, “Oh, pretty good. You?”
He knowingly doesn’t want to open the can of worms, so he replies, “Yeah, it was good.” And that’s it. We silently crave the attention of the other, but selfishly can’t ask the harder questions.
Sound familiar?
If I’m honest, there are days when I don’t want anything more than this exact conversation. As I stand at the kitchen counter simultaneously cooking dinner and helping our third grader with homework, I don’t want to know how his meeting went. I don’t want him to tell me that he went out for lunch with his buddies. I don’t want to hear that his day was full of purpose.
A small part of me wants him to feel my struggle - the struggle that feels like what I do in this life doesn’t matter. There are days I am too insecure to hear more than “good” when I ask about his day.
Ouch.
In order to push forward I have to believe that what he does is important. It’s no longer his work. It’s our life. So, when this conversation happens I have to be ready to listen to the answer. I have to be ready to hear the details. And most importantly, I have to be willing to ask more questions on the days he isn’t willing to share.
I have to care that OPSEC stands for Operations Security, DEERS stands for Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System, and CMDCM stands for Command Master Chief Petty Officer. Not because I need to know this information, but because it shows I care. It shows I am invested.
Listen. Digest. Ask questions. Learn. Understand. Care.
I’m learning this comes with a cost. Living this way means I have to break down small pieces of my own walls. Living this way means I have to fight through my feelings of unworthiness. I have to declare that I am invested in this life, because I believe in the mission.
This means taking time to listen - learning about his day, his rate, his rank, his position, his lunch meeting, his PT, all of it.
The importance of understanding his work, his world, cannot be understated. It may seem like such a trivial thing, maybe even one you think you can skip over or rush through, but don’t be fooled. This simple yet difficult practice can help lay a solid foundation for the rest of your time in this military life, a solid foundation for your marriage.
I say that in order to serve your husband and still find your place in his world you need to believe in the mission. I say this because it’s true - not because it’s easy. I say this because I believe it is an essential part of the process of learning how to serve your husband well in this military life.
The next time you are tempted to take the easy road, think twice. Give yourself the chance to feel proud of the work your husband is doing. Give yourself the opportunity to learn more about the man you married.
We, as military wives, do the hard things because it’s our place to serve him well. It’s who we are and what we’re here for.