Confession: I Want to Move
We started the Confession series in October and at the time I had no idea how many posts it would contain. I asked if you had any anonymous milspouse confessions and you. showed. up. To recap, if you are new to the series, here is what we have covered so far:
Confession: Our Relationship Is Struggling
Confession: I’m Scared He Won’t Come Home From Deployment
Confession: Military Life Is Frustrating and I Take It Out On My Husband
This week is → Confession: I Want to Move! I feel this in every bone of my body.
As military wives, we step into this lifestyle expecting to move every few years. We are told we will travel the country or maybe even the world. We expect to have to assimilate to a transient lifestyle. And mostly, this is true. But every so often our husbands get assignments in one area for years on end.
The milspouse who submitted this told me the Army ensured they would move. Except that it has now been over six years and they still don’t have orders. She told me how her husband is thriving at work, but she wants to move!
This is frustrating. We don’t have to gloss over it. You’re allowed to be sad and irritated. Where we need to be careful is making sure we aren’t acting from within our expectations. Expectations are sly and can get us into trouble if we aren’t fully aware.
I remember learning this the hard way, during Mike’s first deployment. (If I’m honest, managing expectations is a constant battle for me and something I must learn over and over again.) During that first deployment, I had a vision of what deployment life would be like. I imagined spending hours at the computer drafting daily emails, receiving video calls, embracing the “can do” attitude, and powering through the lonely months until we could be together again. And the tricky thing about his first deployment was that this was exactly how it started. Mike was in an area for a short time where he could call every day and video chat the kids every night. It was amazing to be able to stay in touch daily. As this rhythm continued, I came to expect consistent communication as our normal for the next several months. All that changed when his schedule shifted and he could no longer call and keep in touch regularly. We lost our rhythm and I was devastated. I had moved from desire to expectation. It wasn’t wrong of me to romanticize deployment life in the beginning – I didn’t know any better. The issues didn’t begin until the shift occurred from desire to expectation. From that moment on and without realizing it, I placed unrealistic expectations on him to communicate with us when it was completely out of his control. I became angry and sad, taking it out on him and he withdrew. I let bitterness take residence in my heart and we started fighting half a world away. I all of a sudden understood just how hard the next several months were going to be if I wasn’t able to manage my expectations and take every word of communication with a grateful heart. Giving expectations space to grow within you can be devastating to your outlook and your relationships.
It’s no different with our expectations within this lifestyle. Even if the military tells us we will be moving every few years, we must make sure we don’t come to expect it every time. THIS IS NOT EASY. We are absolutely allowed to desire and hope for new tours and new experiences, but once we put that expectation on our husband’s career, we may find ourselves accidentally putting that expectation on our husband even though it is out of his control.
And now to change directions slightly, let’s all agree that being the one left behind is tough. Sure, saying ‘see you later’ to your friends isn’t easy either, but when everyone around you is rotating every few years while saying goodbye to you, it leaves you wanting.
Through it all, keeping perspective is key. Find the good regardless. In this particular confession, celebrate your husband for continuing to thrive in his career even though you are staying put. Celebrate stability because some ladies crave what you have right now. Be thankful for deep roots in your current community and rich relationship that only long years can cultivate.
You’ll get your turn, and when you do, I pray these years of stillness have left you feeling prepared for what is to come.